In this essay i will discuss what responses submission to Mistress Shelle triggers in me, as well as the ways i express my submission to Her. i apologize for the length, but Your lecture triggered so much in me.
As responses depend to some degree on the nature of the person responding, a little background may be helpful. Since my teens i have felt the desperate desire to be controlled and submit to a powerful woman, and this desire has usually been associated with strong sexual cravings and fantasies that have persisted over the years of my adult life. Hypnotic control and brainwashing rendering me weak, helpless and easily manipulated, have always been a particularly strong. i also crave relief from having to think or make decisions for myself. i am very turned on by being dominated
As Domina Shelle brilliantly points out in Her lecture on Submission, the foundation of any D/s relationship is trust. This poses a great problem for me as i am somewhat shy and restrained, had a conservative upbringing, and feared being exposed by or judged by others, so i never felt i could explore these fantasies or express these desires. This led to a lot of cognitive dissonance, frustration, and, at times fueled a jekyll and hyde life combining daily respectability with a desire for a dissolute life. This it also led to a certain amount of loneliness and silent suffering. Nothing was authentic.
Thus, the first thing that submission triggers in me is a potent and
intoxicating sexual excitement. Domina’s voice makes me hard and horney and i love it when She tells me what to think, believe, do and say. It feels right and natural to do whatever She tells me, to trust Her completely without thought or question, and to believe what She tells me is the ultimate truth. i truly believe there will come a day when i have been so thoroughly conditioned to trust and believe Her that if she told
me that 2+2 equal 5 my brain would even be able to conceive of a time when was not so. Finally, i love feeling, and to be made to feel, how weak i am becoming and how strong Her control over me is becoming.
Because i trust Domina Shelle, i can be naked, exposed and weak before Her, express my deepest desires and be my true self in a way i cannot with anyone else.
Of course, for now some of this is fantasy (and to avoid any reservations on Your part, i have a firm grasp of the line between fantasy and reality). In any relationship a person reveals themselves and their vulnerabilities slowly and in stages. Domina will show me, when i am ready, new and ever more exquisite ways to be even more naked, exposed, vulnerable, helpless, weak and submissive to Her, ways i simply could not even conceive of or be comfortable with now, but which under Her guidance and training i will learn to crave desperately. There is nothing unethical about pushing me in these new directions. i have begged Her to do it and waive any protest. I consent to have Her do whatever She chooses to and with me. Her skill and experience will allow Her to know what is best for me. My role is simply to do what She tells me and push myself to new vulnerabilities and submissions, and to be completely honest with Her if i feel i am being pushed beyond my limits. Ultimately, however, She has the authority to determine whether W/we should back off a bit until i have grown more or to conclude that i am letting fear and shame hold me back from realizing my potential and order me to press ahead. i will honor and abode by whatever decision She makes.
Moreover, the fact that She can use hypnosis to brainwash me into complete trust and to believe (which conditioning i desire, beg for, and
consent to) that anything She tells me is true is not only extremely sexually exciting (the adrenaline generate by fear of being manipulated and exploited is an incredible rush), but means that trust is built much more quickly than in even the most intimate of normal relationships. This will allow me to grow more rapidly in my submission, weakness, and vulnerability. This coerced trust is essential to my growth.
The second response that submission produces in me is an overwhelming desire to be under my Domina’s complete control and obey all Her
commands, and a deep sense of gratitude to Her. I want to be weak and helpless before Her. i want to feel her powerful brainwashing making me weaker and more helpless
every day. i want to obey Her every command and whim without question or thought. i am so grateful and cannot repay Her when i see that happening to me now.
The third response submission produces in me is addiction, obsession, and adoration. You would think that with brainwashing my mind would become quiet, but it is frenzied. i cannot help be think of Her. i check my email many times a day hoping for even a sentence from Her. Every time my constantly aroused cock brushes against my trousers or i edge i cannot help but think of Her. Over time i begin to love Her. i want to be conditioned and brainwashed and please Her. She is the only one i can trust to be completely open with. I want to be controlled and led by Her. Life in service to Her is all that matters to me. Only by completely surrendering to Her can i be happy and lead an authentic life as my true self.
My fourth response to submission is that it makes me desperate to please Her. Since i rarely speak to Her directly or at length, i look at activities, send tributes, and wrack my brain to think what might please Her. i long to tell Her i would do anything She asks. At the beginning such words might have been fun submissive roleplay, but they are how i actually feel now now. Again, there may be times when fear will hold me back, but Domina will know when to push me. Each day i grow more desperate for Her approval and attention. One reason i grow weaker is that i need Her more and more to validate me as a person. i am terrified of displeasing Her. In fact, because my own efforts to please Her may fall short, i want to be punished and to suffer and sacrifice for Her to show how much pleasing Her means to me now.
My fifth response to submission is the transformation of my sexuality, which is to be expressed now only through serving and obeying Domina. Put differently, my sexuality and sexual pleasure consists soley of, and is completely dependent on, serving and pleasing Her.
Before my sexuality was focused on my own pleasure, sex, and beautiful women ( not that i have ever been much of a Don Juan or more successful with women than most other guys). To accomplish this, i need Domina to have complete control over my cock ( which is my mind now with only one thought – pleasing Her). I crave to have no right or control over it. It will control my relic brain and so Domina will control my relic brain. My relic brain will only control my body as Domina directs through control of my cock.
Now that Domina has complete control of my cock and relic brain, however, and i can only cum with Her permission, i must recognize that i am completely dependent on Her for pleasure and release. Cumming is no longer the point. She is pleasure. i think only of Her (and pleasing Her) when i stroke and edge or c*m) Obedience is pleasure. Submission is pleasure. That is why I love the idea of exploring chastity. Cumming
just to cum seems selfish and a hollow pleasure compared to the pleasure of
pleasing Her. i will probably never be able to wear an actual cock cage, but through brainwashing and conditioning She can make a mental cock cage that is stronger than any physical one.
i confess my relic mind is still confused about some of this. Edging and being desperate for sexual release are critical to becoming more dependent upon and submissive to Domina. i need to be desperate for release if the process is to work, yet i want to sacrifice this release so it becomes far less important. Thus, how do i reconcile the thought that only Obedience, submission, and pleasing Her is pleasure ( and so c*mming is not pleasure or pales by comparison) with the fact that i desperately must desire the release that is possible only at Domina’s whim and command. Will sex and beautiful women eventually become boring to me? Only Domina knows where the road
leads, so i am still somewhat confused here.
reaction i have already mentioned above. I feel myself becoming more dependent on Domina, mentally, emotionally, and sexually. I want Her to brainwash me, to only think the thoughts She conditions. She will tell me what to think and say and do. My cock will not respond to my will, desires or stimulation, only Her voice and command can make me cum. To obey Her without thought or question. To be made more submissive and dependent on Her by each new fetish She creates to control me. Dumbing down turning trance may also make me more pliable. I fantasize that when kneeling before Her and edging, my IQ drops as i become more aroused, and increases as my pleasure subsides. This makes me more pliable and easier to control.
While i am not an alpha, i sometimes think that a part of my male ego is hiding in my subconscious protected by a shell and ready to reassert itself. This, while i have not really been excited by sissy training, how far can W/we go without some reforming of my masculinity?
i turn now to the issue of how i express my submission. i try to always write and speak in a submissive manner.
i condition my mind daily with DomIna’s Sessions. i try to really open up my mind to Her control.
i say my mantras twice a day on my knees. ( i would love to be naked and even bind myself in some way, but cannot).
i look at Domina’s pictures several times a day to deepen my addiction and fetishes.
i visit Domina’s site daily to try to identify new activities such as volunteer savings, Tip Me Tuesday, and random tributes that might please her and might given me an excuse to write to Her more often.
While i have never really given findom a lot of thought, i seem to be making more tributes and volunteer savings of late rather than just buying files.